The Bruce Banner Appreciation Club, Supervillains Only
by crematosis
Summary: All of the resident supervillains have been acting pretty strange lately and Tony's sure that means something bad's about to happen.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: And another prompt fill from avengerkink. I really do love all these delightfully cracky ideas.

Disclaimer: I'm more familiar with MCU than any of the comics-verses, but I am bringing in a few villains that aren't in the movies. If anyone is really familiar with the comics and wants to point out errors, I'll be happy to fix them.

Tony was bored, bored, bored. For the past few days, Bruce hadn't been down to visit him in the lab. Every time Tony asked for his help, it was always some lame excuse.

Like, saying he was still recovering from yesterday's battle. Or that he was going to meet up with some old college friend later than afternoon and didn't have time for any long experiments. Or that it 3 a.m. and he was too tired to start anything now and just wanted to go to bed.

Yeah, that was probably the worst excuse Tony had ever heard.

He couldn't understand why Bruce didn't want to do science with him anymore. What could be more exciting than building things, blowing things up, and catching things on fire?

Okay, so things catching on fire was usually more of an unfortunate accident than a desired result. But, the point being, they were Science Bros. And Science Bros were supposed to do, well, science.

And now Bruce was sitting around in the den with the rest of the team as they read books. Boring.

Tony flopped down into an oversized armchair. "Hey, guys," he said. "Sorry to interrupt your little book club, but I need Bruce to-"

"Busy," Bruce said.

"No, you're not. How can you say you're busy when you're just sitting here-"

Bruce looked up briefly from his book. "I'm busy reading," he said. "I'm allowed to have outside interests, you know."

"Some of us don't live in the lab like you do," Natasha added.

Tony opened his mouth to retort when the doorbell chimed.

"Someone's at the door," he said.

The bell chimed again.

"Isn't anybody going to get that?"

Nobody else said a word, all too busy pretending to be deeply engrossed in their reading.

"Oh, fine, I'll get it," Tony said with a huff.

He marched over to the front door and threw it open. "Hi, welcome to Avengers' Tower. We're not open for tours to the public and no, we don't want whatever it is that you're sell..." he trailed off in open-mouthed shock.

Loki was standing on the porch in full regalia.

"Gah," Tony said. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, this is rather awkward."

"Yeah, I'll say." Tony took a wary step back. "Jarvis, why the fuck didn't you tell me we had a supervillain on our doorstep? Initiate emergency defense systems."

"Wait," Loki said. "I've just come to ask a small favor."

"What, like all of Manhattan on a silver platter? Not fucking happening."

"What's all the shouting for?" Bruce asked, padding up behind him. "Are you yelling at the Girl Scouts again?" He peered around Tony's shoulder and his eyes widened with surprise. "Loki?"

"Dr. Banner," Loki said with a winning smile. "Just the person I wanted to see."

Tony put his arms out. "Hell no. You're not kidnapping him. We've already had to rescue him from fucking Hydra twice this month and I am not in the mood to deal with this shit again."

"Really?" Loki said. "How did Hydra manage this feat? It must have taken a great deal of effort on their part."

"Not really. The first time some Hydra agent at Starbucks drugged his latte and the second time-wait, no, I'm not telling you a damn thing. Get the hell out of here before I have Bruce go Hulk and smash your sorry ass all the way back to Asgard."

Loki took a step back. "Let's not be hasty. I'm not planning on kidnapping him. I just require an article of his clothing. A shirt, perhaps."

Tony raised an eyebrow.

"It's a long story, alright?" Loki said with a heavy sigh. "I started off bragging to my co-conspirators about how easily I turned you all against one another on board your silly ship. And someone expressed doubts about how that was possible when Dr. Banner should have immediately transformed into the Hulk. And then I said that given Dr. Banner's remarkable self-control and my remarkable cunning, of course, it would be possible for me to attack him and escape before there was any hint of the Hulk whatsoever. And now they want me to make good on that boast and bring back an article of Dr. Banner's clothing as proof. But as I am not in the mood for a fight at the moment, I would appreciate it if we could settle this matter civilly."

"Okay," Bruce said. He slid his shirt off over his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Tony said. He put a hand on Bruce's shoulder. "Bruce, no. We're not giving Loki a single thing. Who knows what he's planning? This could all be a giant ruse to fish for some of your DNA to clone you or something."

"You worry too much," Bruce said. "Jarvis can sterilize it and then there'll be no useful DNA samples left. Right, Jarvis?"

"Of course, Dr. Banner," Jarvis said. "There is equipment down in the lab."

"Great," Bruce said. "I'll be right back."

Tony stayed in the doorway, carefully watching Loki in case he tried anything funny. But Loki seemed perfectly content to wait until Bruce returned.

"Here you are," Bruce said finally. The shirt was now neatly folded and sealed in a plastic bag. Grudgingly, Tony admitted that it was unlikely Loki could use it for any nefarious purpose now.

"Excellent," Loki said. "My reputation will remain intact." He vanished in a cloud of green smoke.

"Okay, that was weird as fuck," Tony said.

"Loki's an odd one," Bruce said with a shrug. "I don't know why you're still surprised that he does strange things." He stuck his hands in his pants pockets and padded back into the den.

"But this was even stranger than usual," Tony protested as he followed after him.

Bruce took his seat back on the couch and gestured to the magazine sitting beside him. "Jane Foster has an article out in _Scientific American_. If you want to do some reading."

"Ooh," Tony said, eagerly reaching for it.

At last, science.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Bruce was busy looking through his fan mail.

And Tony wasn't going to lie, reading and responding to fan mail was one of the greatest perks of being a superhero. It was always nice to hear that people were grateful to be rescued, that they thought his daring moves were amazing instead of unnecessarily risky like Steve always thought, that they admired his spectacular genius and roguish good looks.

All the usual stuff.

Tony flopped down on the couch beside Bruce and peered over his shoulder. "What do they say about you? All good stuff, I hope."

Bruce smiled as he tore open another envelope. "Seems like it. And there's a lot of art this time. Some of these kids are too young to write, but their parents helped them address the envelope." He held up a crayon drawing of a large green blob intertwined with a large black blob. Luckily, the kid's parents had included a helpful note on the back that their son had been trying to illustrate the time the Hulk crushed a tank that had been firing at the Quinjet.

"Lucky duck," Tony said. "I rarely get kids writing to me."

Which was weird, considering how many children he had seen dressed up as Iron Man for Halloween.

"You know that Pepper goes through your mail before she gives it to you, right?" Bruce said. "She usually sorts out all the letters that are obviously from children and replies to them herself. Something about keeping you from writing inappropriate things to impressionable children."

"What?" Tony squawked. "I'm great with kids. Just ask that Harley kid in Tennessee. I hooked him up big time. All the toys and gadgets a boy could ever dream of."

"That's probably what Pepper's afraid of," Bruce said. "You don't have time to build every kid their dream play room."

"I guess you're right," Tony said. "But I wish she would at least give me a chance to read over some of these things. I love hearing what kids have to say. They have absolutely no filter. You know, a family came up to me at Starbucks to ask for an autograph and their little girl told me Natasha's way cooler than I am because, you know, she's a girl. Her mother was so embarrassed but I thought it was fucking hilarious."

Bruce chuckled. "You can look through a few of them with me, if you want."

"Cool." Tony tore into an envelope from an Amy Mora in Kentucky. "Let's see. It says, 'Dear Dr. Banner. I'm a huge fan of your work. I've read all your current published articles and I think you really need to start publishing again. You're one of the greatest scientific minds of the-' Okay, really? What kind of kid actually talks like this?"

Bruce snatched the letter out of his hands. "Amy's, uh, a very precocious child."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Write to you often, does she?"

"Maybe," Bruce said, carefully not looking at him.

"Huh," Tony said. "Maybe Pepper should be going through your mail instead."


	3. Chapter 3

On Monday, Tony let Bruce off the hook because the team returned to their regularly scheduled Avenge on Hydra. There had been a few weeks when Steve had really been cracking the whip and keeping the team moving from one Hydra base to another, in the misguided belief that if they kept pushing, they could wipe them all out in a matter of months.

Fury had finally talked sense into him and made him realize that at such a brutal pace, the team would be wiped out long before all the Hydra bases were. They were in this fight for the long haul.

So now Steve was letting the team take breaks for a few days or a week at a time before they planned their next assault.

So kind of him.

Tony was zipping along through the forest, flitting between trees because Steve had insisted that he stay below the tree line. In Tony's opinion, it was a waste of his abilities because how was he going to be the eyes in the sky and report on the enemy's movements if he couldn't see more than a few tree lengths ahead? But for some reason, Steve was very concerned with sneaking up on the base and if anybody were to see Iron Man swooping in from the sky, that plan would be shot to hell.

"The base should only be a couple yards ahead of your position," Steve said. "Give us a report on the security."

"Roger, Rogers," Tony said cheerfully.

God, he was never going to get tired of that.

He put on a burst of speed and broke into the clearing surrounding the base.

Or what had once been the base. Because it looked like nothing more than an abandoned, collapsed building now.

"Uh, how recent is SHIELD's intel on this place?" Tony asked.

"Surveillance photos were taken yesterday," Natasha said. "Why?"

"Place looks like it's gone through World War III. You guys will want to see this." He touched down near what had once been the main gate. It was twisted metal now, barely attached to its hinges. Two guards were lying face-down in the dirt a few feet away, probably thrown there by whatever explosion had ripped through the gate.

The rest of the Avengers arrived a few moments later, looking stunned at all the destruction before them.

"What the hell is going on here?" Clint asked. His eyes flicked carefully around the clearing, his bow still drawn. "We in the wrong place?"

"No," Natasha said. She knelt down beside one of the guards. "This is definitely Hydra insignia." She touched a hand to his neck. "He's been killed hours ago. Body's cold."

"Jarvis, quick scan," Tony said.

"No heat signatures detected," Jarvis reported. "But my scan did pick up a number of deceased Hydra personnel."

"Someone's gotten here before us, then," Clint said. He slipped his arrow back into the quiver.

"Who? SHIELD? They're the ones who sent us here. Why the hell would they send for us if they were going to take out the damn place themselves?"

"My guess is infighting," Natasha said as she rose to her feet. "They had a disagreement with another faction of Hydra and the other faction decided killing them all served Hydra's best interests." She vaulted over the gate. "The only bodies I see here are Hydra. No indication of anybody else."

"Doesn't mean there wasn't anybody else," Tony said.

"I don't care who it was or why," Clint said. "But they've helped us out and now we're all free to head back home and relax for the rest of the day."

"Hulk no smash?" the Hulk asked petulantly.

Tony pointed to a pillar. "That thing's still standing."

Hulk brought his fist down and the pillar collapsed into a pile of rubble.

"Perfect."

"Well," Steve said as he hoisted his shield onto his back. "I guess it's back to the drawing board. Back to the Tower everyone. We'll plan for our next assault in a few days."

Tony whooped. A few more days of unplanned vacation. And he was going to spend all of them down in the lab. With or without Bruce.

But when they arrived back at the Tower, Loki was once again standing on the porch.

"Took you all long enough," Loki said irritably. "I've been listening to your tiresome warnings about being shot for the past four hours." He pointed upwards at the missile defense system aimed at his head.

"Too bad it doesn't shoot on sight," Tony said. "I would."

Loki just rolled his eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here anyway? Here for a sock this time?"

"No, I wish to speak to my brother."

"Why?"

Loki drew himself up importantly. "It is a private matter than I must discuss with him and him alone."

"It's your call, Thor," Steve said.

Thor nodded. "I will entreat with my brother."

"And if you don't show up after a few hours, we're coming looking for you," Tony said.

"Then I'll make this quick," Loki said with a gleaming smile. "Come, brother." He swirled his cape over Thor's shoulders and both demigods vanished.

"So fucking weird," Tony said with a shake of his head. "Hey, who wants to eat up the rest of the pizza while Thor's gone?"

"Me," Clint said eagerly.

"We shouldn't eat all of it," Steve said. "We ought to at least save him one slice."

Tony snorted derisively. "One slice of pizza is barely a snack for the guy. Do you really think he'll feel better about eating one tiny bite of pizza than not getting any at all? Doubtful. If anything, we'll spare him the disappointment by eating all of it. He probably won't even remember we had any left."

Somewhere during the argument that ensued over the ethics of finishing the pizza, Natasha and Bruce had quietly slipped into the kitchen and finished the whole half pizza without them. Which was really shitty of them, but also proved they were on Tony's side of the argument. Victory tasted sweet. But not as good as pizza. Oh well.

Tony consoled himself with leftover tacos and a nice cold beer and then settled down to watch The Godfather with Clint.

Thor wandered into the den just as the movie was ending. "I have returned unharmed, my friends," he announced.

Tony and Clint raised their glasses in a toast to Thor's safe return.

"So, what did Reindeer Games want anyway?" Tony asked as he took a sip of his beer. "Something big going down back on your planet?"

Thor shook his head. "It was the strangest thing. He asked after my well-being and the team's condition and then he seemed to want to do nothing more than, for lack of a better word, discuss gossip."

"Fishing for intel on us, eh? You didn't tell him anything, right?"

"I fail to see how the information he procured will be of any use to him. He asked how many shoe sizes Dr. Banner's feet increases when he transforms into the Hulk, if anyone on the team happened to snore, and what color everyone favored."

Tony frowned. "How the hell does knowing if anybody snores help Loki take over the world?"

"Exactly," Clint said. "I hate to say it, but Loki might have genuinely just been trying to catch up with his brother."

Thor beamed. "It is a promising step forward."

"I still think he's got some kind of ulterior motive," Tony said. "This is Loki, remember? He's probably got schemes within schemes."

"And what kind of scheme involves finding out meaningless information on all of us?"

"I don't know," Tony said. "Maybe...maybe he'll have someone impersonate us and it's important that they know every last detail about us. What if one of the impostors blows the entire thing by eating something he didn't know Clint was allergic to?"

"I'm not allergic to anything," Clint said. "Iron stomach."

"Hypothetically," Tony said. "It doesn't have to be a food allergy. But one of them makes one tiny misstep and the rest of us figure it out and boom, suddenly it's Avengers versus Fake Avengers."

The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a reasonable evil scheme. He wasn't sure how Loki was going to come up with impostor Avengers, but again, it was Loki. It shouldn't be too hard for someone with his powers.

"Yeah, right," Clint said. "That'll never happen."

"It could," Tony insisted. "I better head down to the lab to see if I can come up with something just in case."


	4. Chapter 4

Tony was two days into the middle of a very productive inventing spree. He still hadn't quite solved the whole doppelganger dilemma because the best solution he had come up with so far was a microchip he could implant under his teammates' skin. But Bruce and Steve were a little leery of medical procedures so they probably wouldn't buy into the idea, even if it would totally work.

Bruce had wandered in and out of the lab a few times with coffee and granola bars and bags of dried fruit to keep Tony going. Which was usually Steve's job, because he was always So Very Concerned when Tony skipped meals, as if Tony was going without eating just to spite him. And Steve was probably doing most of the cooking, so maybe it did sort of make sense that Steve was taking everything so personally.

New thought. Some sort of tracking device that the team could all swallow. It was brilliant. If he could actually make it work. He furiously started typing numbers into Jarvis' simulation program.

"Tony," Bruce said with a gentle hand on his shoulder. He was holding another bag of dried blueberries.

"Thanks, old buddy, old pal," Tony said. He ripped the bag open with his teeth and tipped the contents into his mouth. "Mmm, now this is brain food."

"I think you're getting a little too worked up about this," Bruce said. "And trust me, that's not good for your health."

"And getting shot at on a weekly basis is?" Tony snorted derisively and typed another few lines of data. "If I wanted to live a long, healthy life I would have stayed out of the whole superhero business altogether."

Bruce sighed. "Have it your way. But don't come to me when you worry yourself sick."

"I'm not worried," Tony said. "I'm just...concerned. It's better to have a plan in place for this kind of thing before we're in way over our heads. Not that I'm saying you can plan for everything in this job, because you definitely can't. Just when you think you've seen everything, some new, mind-blowing weird thing comes along. But, hey, we're trying our best. Right, Bruce?"

Silence.

"Bruce?" Tony looked up from the computer and peered around the lab.

"Dr. Banner left the lab a few minutes ago," Jarvis said.

It figured. Nobody ever listened to any of his heartfelt speeches.

"Well, forget him," Tony said, shaking a wrench at the ceiling. "In fact, forget all of them. It's just you and me, Jarvis, old buddy. Like it's always been."

"And Colonel Rhodes."

"Okay, so Rhodey's great and all, but he's always halfway across the world doing stuff with-"

"I have a call coming in from the colonel at this very moment, sir. Shall I put it on speaker?"

"Hell yes." Tony kicked his chair away from the computer and spun around in a wide circle. "Hey, Rhodey," he said. "How was your week-long jaunt to Syria? No, don't tell me, you started missing me after the first hour. Hey, that's okay. You're welcome to swing by any time and drink a couple beers and get your ass kicked at Ping Pong again."

"No," Rhodey said, sounding slightly out of breath. "This isn't a social call. You've got a flock of doombots headed your way."

Tony dropped his wrench. "Shit. How are they coming in?"

"They're, uh, flying in an upright heart-shaped formation."

"Seriously?" He had thought Doom's strategies would have improved over time, but apparently not.

"I'm just calling it as I see it," Rhodey said. "Are you going to give me air support or not?"

"Yes, yes," Tony said distractedly. He rolled himself back over to the computer and brought up the outside security feeds. "Jarvis, turn on the PA system."

"On, Sir."

Tony leaned back in his chair. "Hey, gang. I interrupt your regularly scheduled activities to bring you news of a doombot flock headed our way. Anyone who wants to watch me kick ass is free to join me up on the roof."

He grinned as he cut the feed. "Jarvis, give me a suit."

00

The battle against the doombots had been shockingly one-sided.

As soon as the team assembled on the rooftop, the doombots had pulled into a tighter formation that looked more like a capital B. Not that it was any more defensible than the heart shape.

Rhodey had already taken out a few before they even arrived on scene and with the rest of the team's firepower, the battle was over in a matter of minutes. Natasha had down most of the work, spraying bullets in a wide arc like it was a fucking arcade shooter. All the doombots went down in a single hit. And they didn't even have the chance to fire back.

Tony was hugely disappointed. It was like Doom wasn't even trying anymore. And there was nothing Tony hated more than having to abandon his work for a villain who couldn't even make a decent effort.

Bruce had stayed down in the lab because the Hulk would probably do more damage than the doombots. But Tony showed him the footage afterward so he wouldn't feel too left out and Bruce had laughed himself sick.

"Wow," he said, when he finally caught his breath. "I had no idea this was what was going on out there."

"I know, right?" Tony said. "Most pathetic thing I've ever seen."

Bruce shook his head. "I don't know what he was thinking. Probably the same thing everyone does before they launch a harebrained scheme: this will totally work. Maybe he was counting on you all being so baffled by how bizarre this whole scenario was that you would actually let the bots land so you could find out how his whole scheme would have played out."

"Oh, I know exactly how it would have played out," Tony said. "Doombots all up and down the halls shooting at us, attempting to hack into the mainframe, and chastising us for interfering with the glorious work of Dr. Doom. All the usual annoying shit."

Bruce shrugged."You could be right. But, who knows? Maybe this was supposed to be a mission of peace."

"Ha," Tony said scornfully. "You don't send heavily armed doombots on a diplomatic mission."

"Again, who knows?" Bruce's eyes twinkled. "Maybe Dr. Doom was replaced by one of your hypothetical doppelgangers."

"Now, Doom is a person I don't mind them replacing," Tony said.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: So I've pretty much had this all written up for awhile...and then just forgot to upload it. Whoops.

On Friday, Tony found himself alone in the Tower. Steve was off doing press for the team. Natasha and Clint were on an undercover mission. Thor had gone to see Jane. And Bruce claimed to be meeting with a fellow scientist about some important secret project. Why he had to drive all the way to the guy's lab when they could have just talked over Skype remained a mystery.

But anyway. Tony had the whole Tower to himself. That meant spending time tinkering in the lab, moping around the kitchen because he had no one who would take pity on him and feed him, and blasting his music through the speakers of the common floors because nobody was there to complain.

A little after noon, Jarvis lowered the volume on Tony's music.

"Sir, the door," he said.

"Who is it?"

"Would you like to hazard a guess, Sir?"

Tony groaned. "It better not be Loki again."

"I'm afraid so, Sir."

Damn Loki. Tony hurriedly turned off all the monitors and marched upstairs to get the door. "Okay, seriously, I'm getting tired of-"

"Where is he?" Loki demanded.

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. "If you're looking for Thor, he-"

"Never mind about Thor. Has Doom been here?"

Tony blinked. "No. Why would he be? We don't let supervillains into the Tower."

"But has he been here?" Loki pressed. "Issued threats from your doorstep, attempted to infiltrate your tower, that sort of thing?"

"Actually, yes," Tony said. "He sent us over a nice squadron of doombots to brighten our day."

"Damn his eyes," Loki hissed. "I specifically told him to wait until I had secured the cooperation of our allies, but that fool just had try and show me up."

"Are you two in a competition?" Tony asked. Because if they were trying out for the World's Worst Villain title, they were both doing a hell of a job.

"Of course not." Loki puffed out his chest. "As the founder of our little organization, I am rightly the supreme overlord. Doom seems to forget that fact." Loki's eyes slid sideways. "As a matter of curiosity, how easily were you able to defeat Doom's pathetic advance?"

"Really, really, really easily." Tony said. "Five minutes tops."

Loki's mouth curved into a wicked grin. "Even worse than I suspected. I assume your Hulk took them all out in one blow."

"Nope. Bruce stayed down in the lab. We really didn't need him for this kind of battle. And besides, somebody had to look at the footage afterward and have a good laugh."

"Excellent," Loki purred. "I will be sure to inform him of his failure. Maybe next time he'll actually take my advice."

"Uh-huh, sure," Tony said. "Good luck with that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to have a conversation with someone that doesn't make my head want to explode." Bruce had already been at his scientist friend's place for a little over two hours. He could probably take a break from his work if Tony called him.

Loki grabbed his arm. "You don't know how lucky you are, Stark," he said earnestly. "Some of the people you work with are truly amazing."

Tony jerked his arm out of Loki's grip. "Yeah, I get it," he said. "I don't work with fucking morons like you do. But you wouldn't have to work with them if you hadn't gone to the dark side. If you hadn't gone crazy evil, you and Thor could be working side by side right now."

Loki chuckled. "I doubt I would like that. My brother is best enjoyed in small doses."

Loki was also better in small doses. Small, infrequent doses.

Tony made a strategic retreat back inside, shutting the door in Loki's face. He hurriedly dialed Bruce's number, letting out a frustrated groan at the busy signal.

"Why is his phone busy? He's supposed to be with his scientist buddy."

"Dr. Banner has just arrived home," Jarvis reported.

Tony's eyes lit up. "Good, good." He scurried in the direction of the garage elevator, but before he got there, the elevator door slid open and Bruce walked out, deep in conversation on the phone.

"Oh, yes," Bruce said. "I got the message loud and clear. It wasn't exactly subtle." He walked right past Tony without seeming to see him and started rummaging around in the kitchen.

"Yes, Victor. I know exactly how you feel."

"Victor, eh?"

Bruce jumped. "Tony!"

"Do Victor and Amy know about each other?" Tony asked.

"It's not what you think," Bruce said. "Sorry, gotta go," he said quickly into the phone and the hit the button to end the call.

"Oh really?" Tony leaned back against the counter. "Secretive messages in the mail, furtive meetings, and phone calls about feelings. I'd be really interested in an alternative explanation."

Bruce licked his lips. "Okay, I'll tell you," he said. He looked furtively around the kitchen. "But not here. I don't want the others to know."

"You got it," Tony said.

It was probably something really mundane that Bruce was getting himself all worked up about for no reason, but Tony couldn't say no to a meeting with the potential for some tantalizing information.


	6. Chapter 6

On Wednesday, Bruce arranged for a noon meeting outside the little Thai place he was fond of.

Tony waited until the waitress had taken their order and then he just couldn't take the suspense any longer. He leaned in over the table. "Okay, Bruce. Out with it. What's the juicy gossip?"

Bruce cleared his throat and looked away. "Okay, this is a little embarrassing to admit, but I sort of have a fan club."

Tony's face split into a wide grin. "Secret admirers?"

"Er, no. They're not really secret."

"And these Amy and Victor characters are part of the group?"

Bruce nodded. "You see, Amy's kind of a code name. She's actually-"

The waitress reappeared at their table. "Dr. Banner?"

"Yes," Bruce said, half-rising from the table. "Is there a problem?"

Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. "Not unless you give us one."

Tony stiffened as he saw the glint of something metallic in her apron pocket. "Jarvis, send reinforcements," he whispered into his watch.

"I wouldn't do that," she said. She pulled her pocket open wider, revealing that the metal object was in fact the pin to a grenade. "Dr. Banner will come with us quietly or all these innocent people will be killed."

Bruce's face was tight. "I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"Bruce, no," Tony hissed.

"It's okay," Bruce said. "You guys will come for me. You always have."

Tony watched helplessly as the waitress led him to a van parked across the street and two Hydra goons opened the back doors to pull him in. Hydra again. For fuck's sake, did these people ever give up? Well, at least they had already rescued Bruce from their clutches twice before. It couldn't be too hard a third time.

As soon as the van drove off, Tony started running back towards the Tower, shouting commands to Jarvis through his watch.

By the time he arrived home, the rest of the team was already talking strategy. Steve and Natasha had a map of known Hydra bases spread out on the table and they were deep into a discussion of which base the goons were likeliest to take Bruce. Clint was on the phone with Fury, asking to borrow a few agents to help with the assault. And Thor, bless him, was swinging his hammer around and loudly proclaiming the vengeance he would visit on Hydra for capturing one of his shield-brothers. A sentiment Tony totally supported. He was getting so fucking tired of these rescues. Not that he didn't love Bruce and desperately want him back. He just wanted Hydra to go down once and for all so they could never take Bruce again.

The sound of the door chime broke into Tony's violent thoughts. His eyes narrowed. No. There was no fucking way. Not now.

"Sir, the door," Jarvis said with obvious reluctance.

Tony gritted his teeth and marched over to the door.

"Stark," Loki said pleasantly.

"You again," Tony growled. "Look, I don't care what it is this time. We're in the middle of launching a rescue operation to get Bruce back from Hydra for the third fucking time so all your weird eccentricities will have to wait."

"Hydra?" Loki said with a frown. "I thought we destroyed them all."

"You-wait, what?"

"Er, nothing," Loki said quickly. "I must go. My colleagues will want to hear about this unfortunate news."

Tony groaned. Just what they fucking needed. Battling a big supervillain attack when they were already down one member.

He had better go and warn the team.


	7. Chapter 7

As usual, Tony was flying far ahead of the team, ready to report in if Jarvis picked up any sign of Bruce at the base. The first three bases Steve had sent them to were completely empty. Smashed and destroyed, no sign of life. It was all very disconcerting and Tony was really starting to get worried.

But at this fourth base, Jarvis reported signs of life ahead. When Tony swooped in lower, he saw that it too had been reduced to rubble. Standing in the middle of the rubble were Loki, Amora, Dr. Doom, Doc Ock, the Rhino, some dweeb that called himself Sciencio, and a couple members of the Wrecking Crew.

And they had Bruce with them.

Tony powered up the repulsors. "All of you need to step away from Bruce right now or I'll blow your asses to smithereens," he warned.

"It's okay, Tony," Bruce said. "They came to rescue me."

Tony lowered the repulsors and stared at Bruce in disbelief. "Rescue you?"

Bruce picked his way closer to Tony's position, climbing over a large concrete slab. And surprisingly, none of the villains made chase, all seeming content just to let him go.

Tony touched down onto the ground, carefully maneuvering himself between Bruce and the group of villains. "You okay?" he asked in a low voice. "You're not under any spell or hallucinogenic drugs are you?"

"I'm fine," Bruce said. "They didn't hurt me."

"As if we would ever hurt the good doctor," Doom said from directly behind Tony.

Tony whirled around and put up a repulsor. "Back off," he hissed.

"Relax," Bruce said. "They're on our side for once." He gently tugged Tony's arm back down to his side.

"You're kidding me, right?"

Bruce shook his head. "You know the saying. 'An enemy of my enemy is my friend'. And right now, all of us are united together against Hydra."

"Hydra will pay for its crimes," Doom said. "How dare they kidnap my dear Brucie."

"Your Brucie?" Tony said in disbelief. "Bruce doesn't belong to you."

"He would fare better if he did," Doom said. "I would have never let him get kidnapped. He would have been safe deep in the walls of my fortress, protected by a legion of-"

Bruce sighed. "Victor, please. Let's not start this again."

"Victor?" Tony sputtered. "You two are on a first name basis?"

Bruce cleared his throat. "Remember that phone call the other day?"

"Oh my god," Tony said. "How long has this been going on?"

Doom put a hand on Bruce's shoulder. "I have long admired dear Bruce's work. He's a brilliant man and he could be a welcome addition to my fortress."

"Fat chance," Tony snapped. "I'm not letting you kidnap him now."

The comm buzzed in Tony's ear. "Iron Man, report in," Steve said. "What do you see?"

Tony's eyes flicked back over the assembly of supervillains. "You're going to have to see this to believe it. Trust me. But don't shoot on sight. We have a tenuous alliance going on here." He gave Doom a stern look. "Very tenuous."

Thor arrived a moment later. He looked warily around at all the other villains and then his forehead creased in confusion. "Brother, what are you doing here?"

"Saving Dr. Banner, of course," Loki said. "As if I would allow him to remain in Hydra's clutches for another moment longer. Beastly people, they are. Bruce is lucky we found him when we did."

Thor swept Loki up in a crushing embrace. "Oh, brother. I knew there was still goodness left in you."

Loki hissed and struggled out of Thor's arms. "You oaf. You're embarrassing me in front of my underlings." He hurriedly began smoothing down his clothing.

Tony blinked. There was something about that green polo shirt that looked oddly familiar.

"Are you…are you wearing Bruce's shirt?"

"I am," Loki said proudly. "And that is why I'm the supreme overlord of this organization."

At his side, Amora squealed and ran a hand over the sleeves. "I thought you were making it all up, but this is an authentic piece. A shirt that's actually touched his body."

Tony wrinkled his nose. "Aren't we usually prying you off of Thor?"

"I have room in my heart for more than one man," Amora said with a coy smile.

And then the rest of the team burst onto the scene.

"Holy shit," Clint said. "These are supposed to be our allies?"

"Sorta, kinda," Tony said. Now that Bruce was safely rescued from Hydra, they didn't really have a common goal anymore. And he really wanted to get out of there before the fighting started. "Bruce has some explaining to do later, but right now we really need to get him home."

"You can't leave yet," Sciencio whined. "We haven't gotten a chance to talk particle theory yet."

"Some other time," Tony said. "Come on, Bruce. Let's go."

"Goodbye, my darling," Doom said. "Remember, if your team starts treating you poorly, you are always welcome in my kingdom. You would make a fine consort."

"We are definitely leaving right now," Tony said. He pulled Bruce into his side and powered up the thrusters. "Hold on, buddy. Let's blow this place."

Bruce held on tightly as Tony arced in the direction of the quinjet. He would be a lot more comfortable flying home in an actual seat, Tony was sure. But before he set him down in front of the jet, he had Jarvis run a quick scan to make sure none of the villains had put any sort of tracking device on him. Luckily, he seemed to be clean.

"Hey, thanks for coming to get me," Bruce said quietly.

"Yeah," Tony said. "We thought we'd be rescuing you from Hydra, but it's your crazy buddies that we had to save you from. Really, Bruce. What were you thinking?"

Bruce scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "It seemed harmless at first. Some anonymous fan mail, e-mail correspondence, a few long Skype calls. It was nice to talk to some people that are just as passionate about science as I am."

"I'm just as passionate about science as you are," Tony said in a hurt tone. So maybe he wasn't always the best friend and the most attentive lab partner, but they were the Science Bros. Surely Bruce couldn't like some random supervillains more than him.

Bruce put a hand on his shoulder. "I know you are. But there were six or seven people who were excited to hear about everything I was doing, listening to every word. And I don't usually get that sort of attention." His mouth twisted into a self-deprecating smile. "I should have known it was all too good to be true. Well, it was fun while it lasted."

"Oh, this is far from over," Tony said. "You've got a bunch of crazy psycho superpowered stalkers now. You hear what Doom said, didn't you? He wants to make you his concubine."

"Consort," Bruce corrected.

"Same thing."

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, what's done is done. We just have to figure out how to make sure something like this never happens again." Tony stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Say, Bruce, how do you feel about convincing your admirers to do a little work for us?"

If a threat to Bruce's safety could convince his fan club to band together and wipe out a couple Hydra bases, surely they could be talked into neutralizing some of the Avengers' other big enemies. Maybe the situation wasn't as bad as he had thought.


End file.
